Tantrums

A peaceful moment...

My daughter is 3, and like all (I presume all anyway) 3 year olds, she has strong emotions, and rages ("tantrums").

Now, before I go on, let me tell you something about myself.

I think at heart I haven't moved on much from my toddler years.  I also have very strong emotions, an overwhelming temper at times, little in the way of will power, and am terribly impatient.

So you see I think I understand her very well.

I think in many ways a young child's life is so stressful.  The biggest issue for them, I think, is the lack of control.  I know that any hint of controlling behaviour in my own life pushes me over the edge! Despite the fact I give my daughter a lot of say in her life, in reality, we (her parents) call most of the shots.  Then there's the newness  of everything - the unavoidable bombardment with new experiences and people.  Confusing situations and conversations.  Not being able to do things you want to do.  And there's being rushed around, fitting into other people's schedules...

Eugh.

It's no wonder that after a few hours/days/weeks of piled on stresses, a small child will melt down, over something seemingly trivial.


As a parent, I thought I had to teach her that aggressive, hurtful behaviour is unacceptable.  I thought I had to give her lessons (lectures?) on feelings, even to go so far as to name her feelings for her.  I thought I had to keep doing this, and see tantrums as "teaching" experiences".  I thought at one stage maybe I could reason with her while she was in the middle of a red mist of rage, or at least that I definitely should discuss how she could have handled it all better when she had calmed down.

But now, I think not.

My daughter already knows that it's not OK to hurt people.  She already knows about feelings.  Children are quick learners - we've read about and discussed feelings already.  I name my own feelings. I try to model good behaviour.  And fail.  But hey, she's got her Dad, a paragon of measured reactions, to learn from.

She is acting in this out of control way because she is out of control, not because she wants to be hurtful, or doesn't understand that it is hurtful. 

Emotional meltdown and high emotions do not come from a place of reasoning, and a child cannot respond to any attempts to reason her out of a strong emotional reaction.  Not in the moment.


I know when I feel like this, the last thing I need are lectures, attempts to reason with me, or a form of punishment. I don't need to be told I'm "naughty", or to have affection withdrawn. I don't need to be bribed to behave better (can you imagine?). I don't need people naming my emotions.  I know how I felt, or at least it is for me to unravel how I felt- not others. I know my behaviour is completely unacceptable, and I already feel shame and regret.  I already want to do better next time.

It is the same for my daughter

I'll tell you what helps me.

Being unconditionally loved and accepted despite my behaviour.  This makes me feel safe.  It reassures me that I am OK, and creates a safe space where I can express myself. This leads to healing and the reduction in the need to express emotions in such a frightening and out of control way. It puts me in a place where I can think about how to do better and how my reactions are affecting others.

So that's how I try to react when my daughter has a "tantrum".  Now I'm no saint (see above!), and of course I let a yell out of me, or run away to another room at times. 

But when I can, I just let her express herself, and calmly let her know I'm there for a cuddle whenever she is ready.  I stay close. When she calms down I might say something empathetic  and genuine like "I think I know how you feel, I love you". 

I don't let her hurt me or anyone else or damage anything.

And you know, come to think of it, she has less and less tantrums these days. 

Sources of help: hand in hand parenting and Holistic Mum

Bluebells, birds, gardening and sofa parenting

 My mojo disappeared a few weeks ago.  I just didn't have the energy for anything beyond day to day living.  No researching and planning.  No organising the kids group I had promised to host. No blogging. No activities in particular with my daughter, apart from trying to persuade her that what she really wanted to do was lie on the sofa with me and read books.  It culminated in an entire afternoon yesterday lying on the sofa  with her (she climbed around and danced a bit too), listening to music she chose, reading books (my ones too) and half-heartedly and on sufferance helping her with stickers.

Bliss.

It did occur to me to feel guilty.  But I didn't.  We all need a rest. The lows as well as the highs. I don't have to be productive. I don't have to be balanced all the time. I can laze, why not? And my daughter has other people in her life besides me. Her father.  Her social life in the Children's House.  And she is very resourceful herself. 

But the first stirrings started last night.  The will to DO something with her.  Get out, model a bit of zest for life. I was ready again.  

This is what the lows bring - the slow swing around to the highs. With some precarious balancing in between.  And repeat. 

It's the Way. 


So off we went to the bluebell woods.  Every May the English woodlands are covered in these beautiful blue flowers.  It is really beautiful.

Inspired by The Natural Child I carried out a little flower identification project. I oohed and ahhed over some little wildflowers and picked them to bring home.  B helped me arrange them, I talked about how I identified them and labelled them. 

Look at the names of the flowers...stitchworth...celandine.  So gorgeous.

B has her own camera now

I think it's important to model a joy in and love of the natural world, especially for our generations who are so removed from nature.  Kids who grow up to love nature won't fight it, destroy it.  They could save us all


Yep, that's what we parents can do.  Help to save the goddamned world. The most important job in the world is parenting, despite all the attacks on it these days. A job earning money for other people is not more important, though powerful self-interested forces will convince you it is.



Last night I ordered flower and bird identification books with money from Nana Marie, for future identification trips. The bird book is actually a pamphlet of laminated cards, which sounds just ideal (you can see the Texan birds version in action in the Natural Child link above)

This brings me onto gardening.  We had decided to give up the allotment, as we'll have a proper garden in the new house we are hopefully moving to.  We already gave up half of it last year. But I just wasn't ready to give it all up.  I thought... how about keeping it for big plants that would take over the garden? How about keeping it simple and doing 3 different things, well, rather than 10 different things badly? It's a lovely peaceful place to walk around in the middle of a busy town.  So, we're going to plant globe artichoke (a perennial so little work I hope), sunflowers and squashes.  And that's it.

So the seed sowing has begun. 4 pots of different sunflowers.  Yes, they did all die last year, but that is not going to happen this year. No way.  And if it does,  I'll go on a rampage. Or maybe just try again next year.

Yes, I'll just try again next year. Although I will shout a bit first.


Got this book too, for all kinds of garden goodness. 

I think a bit of this, balanced with a bit of sofa lying is where it's at for me right now. And it is just enough.

What have you been up to: 37 months

I haven't really felt like blogging recently, but now I have a brief burst of energy so I'll go for it!

Recently you have been even more fond of order than ever before, and that is saying something.  You have a very clear idea in your head of how things are supposed to be, or how they are supposed to happen, and have clear expectations that we "get" this immediately, even if it is a complete change to what used to happen...oh...say, yesterday morning.  Sometimes, words fail you and you can only manage an extremely disappointed "ohhhh" or, when very frustrated, yell "nooooooo" really loudly.
As I think I mentioned before, in general, if there is even a whiff of a suspicion that you are being manipulated into doing something, or just plain told to do something, then you balk like nobodies business. Sally at the Childrens House said she's seeing this side of you now (took a whole term!), which is a sign you are really comfortable there.

Your imaginary play is more and more elaborate, and the interest in music, fire and piers lives on.  You told me yesterday that you'd like your bedroom to be painted black, as that was the colour of burnt things, and you liked burnt things.

New sea defences at the beach - brutalist or what?!

You were also shocked to the core to hear Daddy and I were married - "When?! I didn't know!".  And then after mulling it over, you turned to me in complete confusion "But when did I get married?".


In other news, you've got chicken pox, but it doesn't seem to be bothering you too much at the moment. It does mean we have to stay away from people though.

 I'm not sure if I've had it, so hoping I don't catch it too.

Also, I'll be going part-time in work really soon - 2 days in London, and then one day at home until 3, so I can mind you after your Childrens House.  As you go to the Childrens House 3 days, we won't really miss out on seeing each other at all then, hooray!

And here are some more photos

River walk at Barcombe Mill

In da pub after the river walk

On the carousel at the beach - I was too scared to sit on the outside!

An extremely rare photo of the 3 of us

Love Mam x

Reasons not to go to bed No 1,004

Tonight. 

Bay's bedroom.

Bay: Stay here!

Daddy: How long for then Bay?

Bay: 2 minutes

Daddy: OK

(2 minutes later...)

Daddy: Right then Bay, off to bed, I'm off now.

Bay: But WHY?

Daddy: The 2 minutes are gone now

Bay: But I wanted 3 minutes

Daddy: But we agreed 2 minutes, Bay

Bay: But Mammy said a girl can change her mind....

Holiday!

There was a holiday feeling here at home today.  I started a week off work and you are on your two week Easter break from the Montessori.
You love painting your hands and arms at the moment - with markers, glue, paint....

So to celebrate, I set up a "chair dancing" painting activity from MaryAnn Kohl's fantastic book  "First Art for Toddlers and Twos" so you could get paint on your feet for a change.

Well, it started with you sitting on the chair, dipping your feet in paint and "dancing" your feet on a long length of paper to one of your favourite songs. But you were never going to stay sitting down...

It ended like this....

 "Look at my footprints.  Look at my handprints Mammy!".

 "It's so slippery Mammy, hold my hand!".














"Can I put it in my hair Mammy?!"

"I  NEED orange, Mammy!"

"Help.  HELP!"

And then when you had enough, it was off up to the bath for a long soak, some grapes and tea (well, just for me).
Our kind of afternoon.
Happy Holidays!
Love Mam x

Ghent

We went to Ghent this month, as it was our birthday and it was time for a trip together. This was our first weekend away from Bay, who stayed home with her Nanny Linda and Grandad Rob.

Even though she had a great time, she did inform us on returning "I would have come with you, y'know".

It was really exciting heading off on the Eurostar from London. I was fascinated by what Flanders would hold it store.


It was everything I thought it would be and more.  Fascinating Flemish language, bikes everywhere, amazing medieval buildings interspersed with beautiful modern architecture, lots of vegetarian restaurants, pedestrianised centre and a river running through it.

Strolling around there is very relaxed. There are very few other tourists as they are all in Bruges (a half hour away). And the Old Town is so atmospheric.

It's a really stylish place, but the people are so warm and unpretentious.

It has radical roots - Ghent was the largest city outside Paris in the Middle Ages, and Ghent merchants gaining privileges and freedom from the nobility, Ghent citizens fought back against the Roman Emperor Charles V (and lost), and socialism and trade unions took root there in the early part of the 20th century. 

It still feels like there's a strong streak of radicalism there  - there seems to be great sense of community, alternative schools,vegetarianism, and environmentalism.  It's a university town, including a music conservatory (I think one of the few places you can study third level jazz).  I think there is lots of live music there, but we spent so much time eating, we missed out on that. 

We stayed in Tom's place, which had a huge bath and simple but beautiful 50s decor.  It was stylish in a very relaxed homely way. Tom himself was so enthusiastic about the place that it was infectious, and he served up a great breakfast, with LPs playing in the background.And they have a ten day festival in July which is mainly free!

The downside was those grey heavy Flemish skies...but that was strangely beautiful and suited the city so much.

I will definitely go back.  Maybe some July...

What have you been up to: Happy 3rd Birthday!

You've turned three!

In the three years you've been here, you've out a smile on my face every day, no word of a lie.
March is our month of birthdays as we all have our birthdays in March.  It's a great month. 

Snuggles with Daddy on his birthday

We planned a trip to a farm the weekend of your birthday but on the day it was raining and bitterly cold, and that day we just didn't feel like that kind of weather on a farm....so we had a little party with Chloe's family instead.  On your actual birthday you insisted on going to Montessori to see your friends.  I would have liked to spend the day together, but it was your choice so off you went (and I was happy for you). There you got to do the  Montessori birthday time line ceremony, share some raw chocolates (wow, who knew these would be so good?) and show photos of when you were younger, which must have been meaningful. We also went to the Science Museum in London (note to self - avoid London museums after a night out in London - 100s of kids together in an enclosed space plus fuzzy head...arghhhh)

One of your favourite books at the moment.  A grim read. 

Lately you've been telling even more elaborate stories. You told a great one about  all the things that keep you awake at night - dramatic things like explosions of glass going up into the sky and owls with "big glowing eyes" and storms.  Sounded a bit scary, but in the end they all had a party together so it must have been ok.

You are coming into bed with us every night, loving dancing (a new development), "skipping", very interested in fire still, puzzles (a 60 piece giant one even - you have great concentration).

A birthday present from Nanny Linda

Barefoot running at the Museum

 You're having some very big emotions, lashing out a little, felt a bit insecure once or twice and saying some very grown up things like "what happens when you die?"  I've done some more research on how to deal with the big emotions, and hope to do a post soon.

You still like to say the opposite of what we might expect you to say sometimes (Like deciding to mix up your colours).  You imitate us through your actions, yet verbally you take a different view point often, sometimes to be funny but often to just let us know you're not us but different.Daddy brought you to gymnastics a couple of times, and said you liked it (though spent much of the time hanging back observing).  I'd like you to be involved in something physical, and gym seems good for little ones. I think we'll hold off on the organised classes for whole though - free exploration seems more useful right now.

Love Mam x

Foam pit- I want to jump in there!